Soulmate Success

Dear Rick and Jo

I met a great guy and really want to date him. We’re both in our forties and have teen-aged children. We get along well and we’re both really interested in each other.

There’s definitely a spark/chemistry. He’s been divorced 5 months after a 22-year marriage. We’ve gone out twice together for lunch.

I want to date him (and he’s made it clear he wants to date me), but I am not sure that’s the best thing to do given his recent divorce. I’m really drawn to him and I don’t want to lose him–he seems like a perfect match. Yes, my heart is over-taking my common sense. He says he’s ready to move on and get into a new relationship. And, I’m definitely ready. I’ve been divorced for several years and want to get married again.

What do you think about me dating him? My friends say it would be a big mistake and that I would be the “rebound girl.” I definitely don’t want that. So, if I do wait, then how long should I wait until I date him? If I wait, he may meet someone else. What’s the best approach to a situation like this? How do you know if and when someone is ready to date when they’ve experienced a divorce? And what about just taking it slow with him - would that work? What’s your advice?

Carolyn from Cronulla

Dear Carolyn,

Ahh the thrill of new love! Feels great doesn’t it?  Enjoy those feelings yet be very careful to ensure you are making a conscious choice.

How long has he been separated from his former wife?  This is more important in considering the risk of being a rebound girl than the date his divorce papers got stamped!
It’s great that you have not given up and you want to marry again. We’re sure you want this one to be your soulmate relationship, so it is critical that you be an angel not a fool. Do not rush in! Be the chooser.  Trust the attraction you feel and proceed carefully. Continue to date him but date other men too.

Here is a great way that you can maintain contact with him, and develop the awareness, skill and attitude necessary to create a conscious, soulmate relationship. Both of you could engage an RCI coach to ensure you are each aware of the critical criteria that you must have in a relationship for it to endure and flourish. At the end of the coaching program, you’ll both be clear if you’re a match. If yes…great!   If not… you can support each other to attract your soulmate.  Either way it’s a “win win”.

Rick and Jo Harrison
Licensed Coaches with Relationship Coaching Institute

What is YOUR single biggest most burning question you have about how to attract your soulmate? This newsletter is your access to having Rick and Jo answer your question!  Just email your question to info at YourSoulmateSuccess.com

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

by Rick and Jo Harrison

How do you manage your mind? The complex relationship between the old brain and the cerebral cortex can be confusing. What’s real? What’s just an opinion? Why are my feelings so strong about this if it’s not real?

Studies into how the human brain works have revealed that our old brain,  comprised of the brain stem and the limbic system operate like an automated filter system.  The purpose of this filter system is to take the messages received by all our senses and make them fit into its blueprint for your survival and safety.  The operations of the old brain occur at an unconscious level and we default to the old brain blueprint for every experience that we encounter.

The key message here is that when the blueprint was designed - we were children. Our automatic safety response system was designed by an upset child!  You may have noticed that many of your beliefs about your self irritate and annoy you because they are childish!  For Rick it seems like he is wasting energy and time arguing with himself.

Now the good news is - the new brain (the cerebral cortex) can retrain the old brain or re-design your default survival system.  It just takes practice and it is done one belief at a time.  This is what is meant by “treading a new neural pathway”.

Research by NASA scientsists has shown that it takes 30 days to create a new habit or a new belief system at the level of the old brain.

jouranlOne of the most powerful ways of retraining the old brain is to keep a journal that logs events or evidence which prove the new belief to be true.  Rick has struggled since childhood with his old brain telling him he is not successful and his old brain constantly and automatically is seeking evidence to re-inforce this point of view. The outcome is a constant battle between the new brain identifying evidence of success and the old brain proving lack of success. You may be familiar with this dynamic which shows up as “I know I’m successful but feel like a failure” or “I know I’m a good catch but I feel like no one will want me” … Is this pattern familiar to you?

Rick has embarked on a practice designed to retrain the old brain. Each night he is to meditate (a usual practice before sleep) and, following that, write down in his journal 3 things about his day that show he was successful. After 30 days his relationship to himself and his success should flip. Jo will keep you posted!

Why not adopt this practice to flip one of your own demons!

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

by Rick and Jo Harrison

As part of our ongoing development as a company dedicated to creating soulmate relationships, Rick did some research in the local bookstore.

We were reminded of universal laws and the importance of taking time to “research” potential partners before getting too serious, no matter how good it feels!

As Rick reviewed the books on love and dating at the local bookshop, he noticed that all the books about being single focused on how to attract a partner. Pages of tips on self confidence, presentation, body language, how to come across as a good match and so on. All about Attraction.

In these days of instant gratification, we have been trained to expect that our wants and desires will be satisfied quickly and with minimal effort.  Fast food, one night stands, internet dating are just a few of the examples of how our society is obsessed with speed and convenience ahead of  “quality”.

What’s more important to you?  Attracting a partner OR creating a lasting, loving, passionate, delicious relationship (a soulmate relationship)?

Let’s see how your honest answer to this question could remove many of the barriers to attracting your soulmate!

If you answered “attracting a partner” - good on you for being truthful with yourself. And if you truthfully answered “creating a soulmate relationship”, good on you for valuing the most important ingredient for a happy and successful life.

You might be asking … “but what’s wrong with trying to attract a partner? Isn’t that what it’s all about?”

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to attract a partner, it’s just that you may be trying to put the “cart before the horse”!   Look at your past relationships that preceded your current single status. I’m sure most of us will see that we attracted the partner first then worked on the relationship to make it happy and fulfilling.  WE GOT IT BACK TO FRONT!

In all the books Rick perused, there were only a few pages allocated to the MOST IMPORTANT step to attracting your soulmate.  The step that comes before you try to attract a partner is Getting Ready.  How many failed projects, expeditions or adventures in history failed because the people involved started before they were really ready? The examples are plentiful and I’m sure that you can all identify examples from your own lives.  The Universal Law is to be ready and prepared before embarking on any worthwhile endeavour, especially as important as attracting your soulmate!

Getting ready for Soulmate Success is all about being clear.
Being clear about - who you want to be for the world; how you need to develop to fulfill that; the kind of person you must be with in order to feel supported in your life purpose; how to test your relationship criteria so that you choose a soulmate for your next relationship instead of more of the same!

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

The Five Love Languages

Our article this week takes the form of an audio recording of Jo being interviewed by Sue Papadoulis from Home Biz Chicks.  Jo is the resident Relationships Expert for Home Biz Chicks.  To find out more about Home Biz Chicks and hear the interview, just click here and enter your details.

As a thank you for listening in, you’ll also receive a free copy of the special report “How to Generate Free Publicity for Your Home Based Business” valued at $99.

You’ll also receive a free subscription to the e-newsletter Smart Biz Chicks, packed with information and advice on how to start and grow a successful home-based business.

Once you’ve entered your details you will receive a confirmation email (this removes the risk of spamming) and then the link to the interview.

Enjoy!

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

Dear Rick and Jo

I met an automotive (truck/SUV) engineer about 5 months ago and we started dating. The chemistry is there, we have a great time and we’re both interested in a long-term commitment. He’s was in management at one of the Big Three. He just got laid off. He’s in his late 50s and his prospects for finding another position are slim to none. He’s down, dejected, and is extremely worried.

One of my relationship requirements is that I only date someone who’s employed. Given my own personal struggles with money in my life and having worked hard for everything that I have today, I don’t want to be in any circumstances that involve struggle, strive, or issues around money. I never communicated to him, in a direct way, that I would never date someone who didn’t have a job. I know what I need to do – break up with him. I’m not willing to give up my own requirements, but, at the same time, this is not going to be easy to do. And, yes, I know that anyone can lose their job at any time.

I think I understand what requirements are – they are things I must have in the relationship in order for me to be in that relationship. They are non-negotiable. My question—for my future reference – how and when in the relationship do you communicate your requirements to someone you’re dating? And, then, what do you do when a requirement is violated well into a relationship with someone – even if you’re married to them? What’s your advice?

Diane from Bloomfield Hills

Dear Diane,

We feel for you and your engineer. These are todating trapugh times indeed.  Diane it sounds like you have gone into a relationship that appears to be committed, before you actually are ready to commit.  This is a common pitfall for singles who are under various pressures to become a couple after they’ve dated for a while. We call this the Mini-Marriage Trap!

We recommend you take a step back from this relationship and work with a RCI coach to -

• uncover limiting beliefs, reveal your core values and your life purpose and vision.  Only then can you commence the work of distinguishing your Requirements which are the foundation for a soulmate relationship.   Requirements cannot be distinguished without guidance and relationships should not become committed until Requirements have been tested and met.
• discover the different stages of dating and place yourself in the pre-commitment stage for this relationship with your engineer.
• learn how to test if your Requirements will be met inside this relationship. (A Requirement is how you want to experience the relationship and the onus is not solely on your partner, it’s also about what you will bring to the relationship to fulfil the Requirement. )

You say that financial security is a Requirement for you. A RCI coach will help you see how that would play out in the relationship with BOTH of you being responsible for the financial position of the relationship, in the face of whatever life throws at you.  In this case you may discover that your requirement is more about how this man is dealing with his retrenchment rather than the fact that he currently has no job.

Once you bring real clarity to this Requirement,  you will know for sure if this is the right relationship for you. And if it is not, your coach will help you to develop the conversation to end the relationship in a way that leaves you both empowered.

Rick and Jo Harrison
Licensed Coaches with Relationship Coaching Institute

What is YOUR single biggest most burning question you have about how to attract your soulmate? This newsletter is your access to having Rick and Jo answer your question!  Just email your question to info at YourSoulmateSuccess.com

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

Hands up if you had a few drinks on New Year’s Eve and decided to make some resolutions.  Most of us do this every year and most of us never go back to them, until the next time we have a few drinks and guiltily confess to someone we love what we committed to at New Year.

So, why do we do it to ourselves, especially when it usually generates more guilt than action?  The simple answer is that we don’t really take the whole thing seriously and we don’t do it with a clear mind and strong conviction (that isn’t found in a bottle!).

Goal setting tends to make most of us break out in a sweat, so let’s talk about it as positive action planning.  Much nicer feeling don’t you think…and it is all about “feelings”.  The reality is that the best payed plans will always come to nothing unless we have a really strong feeling of the importance of taking action.  We call this leverage – the force that drives us to act.

So tip number one is to get clear about what’s important and then get leverage.  For most of us setting goals is somewhat of an intellectual exercise and I say, if you can’t feel it, don’t do it!  It is essential that we have a strong emotional investment in what it is we want to achieve.  This comes in two forms – strong feelings that drive us away from our current situation (eg: I’m really sick of being single) or feelings that draw us toward a better situation (eg: I’m so excited about expressing more of myself in a wonderful relationship).questions

When you get clear about what it is you want to achieve, I recommend you make a quiet space to sit with that and notice what you really feel about your goal or plan.  Do this with a friend you respect if that helps.  Then ask yourself some questions that help to connect with your feelings;

•    What will my life be like in 1, 3 or 5 years if I don’t change this situation?
•    What will my family and friends think about me if I don’t change?
•    How will my confidence be in 12 months if I do nothing to create this change?
•    How wonderful will I feel when I create this change?
•    How much will others admire my strength and courage when I achieve my goal?
•    How positive will my self-worth and confidence be when I have achieved this goal?

You can google a range of tools that can assist you to set goals, define the action steps, and measure progress, but whatever structure you use, make sure it taps your feelings.  This is the crucial (and often absent) aspect of goal setting or positive action planning that will be the difference between success and inaction.

So, if you really want to achieve the relationship you dream of with your Soulmate, follow the simple three step plan – get clear, get specific and get leverage.  Bring on the feelings and you can have what you dream of.

Heather Yelland

Heather Yelland, International speaker and personal development specialist. For more information, visit www.WellWithinme.com

Dear Rick and Jo,

“I met a wonderful woman at a friend’s home over Thanksgiving.  We’re both divorced, in our mid-forties.  We naturally connected and started going out casually right after that time.  We have fun together — going out to eat, dancing, different activities — but the relationship is obviously really new to both of us.  We haven’t discussed any expectations or plans for the future.
I don’t have any plans for anything beyond a basic dating relationship.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and it’s causing me a bit of concern.  I don’t love her, but I like her.  At the same time, she hasn’t said she loves me either.  Way too early for that!  My concern is . how do I handle Valentine’s Day? Certainly, I want to go out to dinner and enjoy the evening with her, but at the same time, I don’t want to give her the wrong impression.

What should I say or do, or rather, NOT say or do, to avoid sending the wrong message?  I want to be friends and that’s it for now.  Any thoughts?”

Love
Steve from Savannah

Dear Steve from Savannah,

We appreciate that you are concerned for your new friend’s feelings.  We’d like to ask you what you mean by “you don’t have plans for anything beyond a basic dating relationship”.  It seems to us that perhaps you want to date recreationally.

Recreational dating is when singles meet and date for fun and socialisation, with no expectations. It can be a stage in the process of preparing for a new relationship or it can be a way to socialise while you focus on other areas of life.  However for recreational dating to really work, you must be completely open and honest with your partner(s) about the physical and emotional boundaries you want.

It sounds like you may need to have that conversation with this woman – say what you want and walk the talk.  Which then begs the question:  Why are you seeing her on Valentine’s Day if she is not your Valentine?   Whatever the answer, get clear about the benefits of recreational dating for each of you and make your Valentine’s Day date the opportunity to have that straight conversation about recreational dating.

Finally Steve, have fun and for more information about recreational dating, contact an RCI coach.  Here’s to your Soumate Success!

Rick and Jo Harrison

What is YOUR single biggest most burning question you have about how to attract your soulmate? This newsletter is your access to having Rick and Jo answer your question!  Just email your question to info at YourSoulmateSuccess.com

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

By Rick and Jo Harrison

1.    First Impressions Count. Your appearance and body language count for 55% of the initial impression you make with someone.  Your style of speaking counts for 38%, leaving a mere 7% of initial impressions based on what you actually say.  Develop your ability to convey attraction through non-verbal signals so you can “reach out” without embarrassment.

2.    Non-Verbal Skills.
•    Physical Proximity. Be close to indicate attraction, but not so close that you convey the wrong message!
•    Mirror. By mirroring your partner’s posture you will be more easily accepted and create a more comfortable space for both of you to interact.
•    Non-verbal Expression. SMILE and hold eye contact.  Relax your face and let it express your feelings. Don’t stare, but if you make eye contact for just one second and they hold the contact, look away and try again. If they meet your gaze for a second time and hold for at least one second … that is a welcome sign!
•    Touch. Be appropriate and remember that merely a light touch on the arm can have a powerful and far-reaching impact.

3.    Be yourself.  Use your best assets to convey interest but do not overdue do it. Showing off or trying to impress is likely to attract the wrong kind of suitor whilst turning off the right kind of suitor!

4.    Pick a Good Match.  While there are always exceptions, your best chance of success will come by flirting with someone who is likely to be interested in you.  Try people with a similar level of good looks.  Don’t flirt with people who are unlikely to return your interest.

5.    Read their signals. Learn to read their non-verbal signals, so you have greater likelihood of success, by applying the above from the perspective of being the receiver of a signal.

6.     Give yourself permission to make mistakes while you learn and develop your flirting skills.  Bringing a sense of humour to your non-verbal flirting game will really help.

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

Dear Rick and Jo,

I’ve been dating a divorced father of two grown children for 3 months. We would like to move forward and have sex.  We want to get to know each other better and think this would deepen our relationship. I think I’m ready. I was married for 15 years and have been divorced for 2 years. I’ve dated here and there, but only casually.

This sounds crazy, but I’m not sure how to move forward here. There’s so much more to worry about these days – AIDS, hepatitis, STDs, etc. And, I haven’t had sex since I was married. It’s a big step for me. Any thoughts about what I need to think about or do before taking the next step? I know the obvious — like birth control — but what else might I not be considering?

Trish from Toongabbie

Rick and Jo respond …

Dear Trish,

Sex and Intimacy are not the same thing.  You can have sex and not experience intimacy and you can experience intimacy and not have sex!

Men tend to use intimacy to get sex and women tend to use sex to get intimacy, so if you dive straight into a full-on sexual encounter, one or both of you could well end up being disappointed as your expectations do not get met.

If you are feeling nervous or worried about taking this next step, try asking yourself some questions:

What am I fearful about if we become sexual?
Have we discussed our goals for the relationship?
What does your gut say? Does it feel right when we’re together?

Be open and honest with him about your concerns. If you care about each other, he will be willing to discuss your questions and happy to proceed gently. It can be both exciting and smart to take your time and enjoy the dance of gradually creating intimacy and enjoying gradually escalating levels of sexual contact.

Finally, are you dating each other exclusively?  It’s perfectly fair for you to ask this man if he has been with anyone else during the last 3 months and it’s normal for people to visit a doctor together for an AIDS/STD test and explanation of possible results and their consequences for the relationship.

This is a great opportunity for you to check out his response to your concerns - a great insight into whether you two are a potential long-term proposition!

Still searching for your soulmate?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

Dear Rick and Jo,

About three months ago, I met a guy at a party I attended with my boyfriend. We ended up talking for quite a while.He’s in a relationship too, but it’s ending because she took a job in another state. We exchanged phone numbers,we’ve been emailing a lot and we both have met for breakfast and lunch several times.

I feel like I have a new best friend. He’s so easy to talk to – about everything. We haven’t been intimate and no kisses or touching either – but there’s definitely strong attraction. I haven’t told my boyfriend about any of this.  Is it wrong to have friends of the opposite sex that I keep from my boyfriend?

Julie from Georgetown

Rick and Jo respond…

Dear Julie from Georgetown,

We’ll cut straight to the chase! If your boyfriend was emailing and meeting another woman for discreet breakfasts and lunches and hiding it from you, how would you feel?
It’s time to let your boyfriend know that you have a new friend and that you intend to continue meeting him and emailing him. If that is not your intention, then you must have that conversation with your new friend.

You are not bad and wrong. You are behaving like you are because your hand is wrapped around a cookie … and you can’t get your hand out of the jar unless you let go of the cookie. By the way, once you’ve been honest with both these men, the opening to the cookie jar will expand… but at the moment you are trapped!

Julie if you are looking for your soulmate, then it sounds like you may have made the deadliest dating mistake of all and drifted into a “committed” and exclusive relationship without being confident that your boyfriend is the one.

If you are not looking for a soulmate, well you’ve still made the same mistake – what we call the mini-marriage.  You are dating exclusively and feeling guilty about normal feelings for this new man in your life. The mini-marriage is an unconscious behaviour of singles, like lambs to the slaughter, who become exclusive too soon because
that’s what’s expected and what everyone else does!

We recommend you take a small step back from both of these men. Do some work with a coach to identify what your requirements are (these are the deal-breakers, predominantly values-based elements that you must have in your soulmate relationship for it to last). When you’re clear on your requirements you’ll know if you really want a
truly committed relationship right now, and whether one, both, or neither of these men is a soulmate contender for you. You’ll also be clear on how to move forward in a way that honours all three of you.

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.