Soulmate Success

Where did love go? How can we keep the Love Alive?

Just about every couple we know has experienced “staleness” in their relationship after the initial excitement of attraction has faded.  They say things like “Where has the love gone?”  or “love’s just not there any more?” or “the love died”.

This quandary/conundrum is understandable.   Most relationships begin with an automatic rush of feel good hormones which last no more than three years. We expect the feeling good to continue as it began, without effort on our part. However this phase of being in a relationship requires each partner to be responsible for creating romance.

The key is to shift from love being the experience that gave the expression to love becoming the expression that creates the experience.

It’s up to each of us to generate the love and romance.  Here are the 7 secrets to expressing love that will create the experience of romance and love:

The 7 Secrets to Romance

1.    Be Conscious. Take the time each day to think about how you could express your love to your partner.  Think about how and when you feel most loved. You’ll notice that you want to be loved and cared for in different ways than your partner does.  You’ll discover that you each have different love languages!
Learn your partner’s “love language*” and use it to give your love. (Rick used to express his love for Jo with his love language of ‘doing things for her’.  He now knows that her love language is ‘words of praise and affirmation’, so he’s conscious of speaking whatever it is that he wants to express when he gets the urge to do something for her.)  Loving your partner the way they love to be loved will generate romance in your relationship!
Be affectionate, touch lovingly in ways that you know your partner enjoys. Tune into the type of touch your partner may want at the time – soothing, healing, supportive or sensual. (Always touching sexually can become repellent!)

2.    Take Time.  Your partner will appreciate the time you set aside to really be with each other, way more than spending money.  “Be with” time is not a time for venting frustrations about kids or work or finances.  It’s simply a few precious minutes each day to be in each others’ presence, maybe holding each other, maybe just looking at each other, maybe authentically saying something wonderful about the other person, maybe having a very slow long kiss.  The point is – there is no agenda other than to simply be with everything you love about your partner.   Be vulnerable, showing your sentimental and sensitive side.  Be compassionate and tender with each other.

3.    Respect.  Always display mutual respect for your partner.  When talking, listen with curiosity rather than trying to win an argument.  Listen indirectly to pick up the hidden messages your partner is expressing about unspoken wishes, dreams and interests.  Always honour your partner when speaking about them.

4.    Assume Nothing.  Beware of assuming you know your partner 100% or that you understand their needs and wants. Be curious and ask them. Neither is it a good idea to assume your partner is tuned into your every need!  Be responsible and request what you want or need from your partner.  Share your dreams, your victories, failures and fears with your partner.  Sharing your heart with another breathes life into their soul, whereas complaining sucks life.  Being a listener for your partner is a great gift (note I said listener, not advisor nor rebutter!).

5.    Play.  Find opportunities to have fun, to be happy children playing together, to flirt, to surprise.  Some of us get so caught up in our work and kids that we become driven and inflexible. Practise spontaneous acts of fun and play.  If you find it hard to be spontaneous, think of how you could surprise your partner, then get advice from their family/ friends and schedule the surprise - plan it into your day.  You’ll become more creative as time goes by.  A thoughtful surprise that expresses love and appreciation is a powerful generator of romance.

6.    Rituals. Think of events and symbols that are important to both of you.  There could be a time or event when you both experienced deep connection and love for each other. Find a way to ritualise the memory and use the ritual to honour and appreciate each other.  The simply passages of the day can also be used to create rituals, - Leaving for work, Coming home, Bedtime.  For example Leaving for Work could include creating your intentions for the day, agreeing on how and when each is to give support to the other.  Acknowledging some quality in each other and displaying affection prior to departure.  Observing rituals like these creates a unique world of partnership for your relationship which generates love and romance.

7.    Sex.   Make time for sex on a regular basis, regardless of whether you are in the mood or not!  The great thing about sex is that if you act as though you are in the mood you will most probably get in the mood!  Remember I said make time.  Take time – practise cuddling and playing rather than rushing into pursuit of the orgasm.  Try taking orgasm off the agenda for both of you one night and see what happens! Sex is an essential part of your health regime – it’s good for your mind, body and spirit.   Bring the above 6 points into play in the realm of sex.