Soulmate Success

Dear Rick and Jo

I met an automotive (truck/SUV) engineer about 5 months ago and we started dating. The chemistry is there, we have a great time and we’re both interested in a long-term commitment. He’s was in management at one of the Big Three. He just got laid off. He’s in his late 50s and his prospects for finding another position are slim to none. He’s down, dejected, and is extremely worried.

One of my relationship requirements is that I only date someone who’s employed. Given my own personal struggles with money in my life and having worked hard for everything that I have today, I don’t want to be in any circumstances that involve struggle, strive, or issues around money. I never communicated to him, in a direct way, that I would never date someone who didn’t have a job. I know what I need to do – break up with him. I’m not willing to give up my own requirements, but, at the same time, this is not going to be easy to do. And, yes, I know that anyone can lose their job at any time.

I think I understand what requirements are – they are things I must have in the relationship in order for me to be in that relationship. They are non-negotiable. My question—for my future reference – how and when in the relationship do you communicate your requirements to someone you’re dating? And, then, what do you do when a requirement is violated well into a relationship with someone – even if you’re married to them? What’s your advice?

Diane from Bloomfield Hills

Dear Diane,

We feel for you and your engineer. These are todating trapugh times indeed.  Diane it sounds like you have gone into a relationship that appears to be committed, before you actually are ready to commit.  This is a common pitfall for singles who are under various pressures to become a couple after they’ve dated for a while. We call this the Mini-Marriage Trap!

We recommend you take a step back from this relationship and work with a RCI coach to -

• uncover limiting beliefs, reveal your core values and your life purpose and vision.  Only then can you commence the work of distinguishing your Requirements which are the foundation for a soulmate relationship.   Requirements cannot be distinguished without guidance and relationships should not become committed until Requirements have been tested and met.
• discover the different stages of dating and place yourself in the pre-commitment stage for this relationship with your engineer.
• learn how to test if your Requirements will be met inside this relationship. (A Requirement is how you want to experience the relationship and the onus is not solely on your partner, it’s also about what you will bring to the relationship to fulfil the Requirement. )

You say that financial security is a Requirement for you. A RCI coach will help you see how that would play out in the relationship with BOTH of you being responsible for the financial position of the relationship, in the face of whatever life throws at you.  In this case you may discover that your requirement is more about how this man is dealing with his retrenchment rather than the fact that he currently has no job.

Once you bring real clarity to this Requirement,  you will know for sure if this is the right relationship for you. And if it is not, your coach will help you to develop the conversation to end the relationship in a way that leaves you both empowered.

Rick and Jo Harrison
Licensed Coaches with Relationship Coaching Institute

What is YOUR single biggest most burning question you have about how to attract your soulmate? This newsletter is your access to having Rick and Jo answer your question!  Just email your question to info at YourSoulmateSuccess.com

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Hands up if you had a few drinks on New Year’s Eve and decided to make some resolutions.  Most of us do this every year and most of us never go back to them, until the next time we have a few drinks and guiltily confess to someone we love what we committed to at New Year.

So, why do we do it to ourselves, especially when it usually generates more guilt than action?  The simple answer is that we don’t really take the whole thing seriously and we don’t do it with a clear mind and strong conviction (that isn’t found in a bottle!).

Goal setting tends to make most of us break out in a sweat, so let’s talk about it as positive action planning.  Much nicer feeling don’t you think…and it is all about “feelings”.  The reality is that the best payed plans will always come to nothing unless we have a really strong feeling of the importance of taking action.  We call this leverage – the force that drives us to act.

So tip number one is to get clear about what’s important and then get leverage.  For most of us setting goals is somewhat of an intellectual exercise and I say, if you can’t feel it, don’t do it!  It is essential that we have a strong emotional investment in what it is we want to achieve.  This comes in two forms – strong feelings that drive us away from our current situation (eg: I’m really sick of being single) or feelings that draw us toward a better situation (eg: I’m so excited about expressing more of myself in a wonderful relationship).questions

When you get clear about what it is you want to achieve, I recommend you make a quiet space to sit with that and notice what you really feel about your goal or plan.  Do this with a friend you respect if that helps.  Then ask yourself some questions that help to connect with your feelings;

•    What will my life be like in 1, 3 or 5 years if I don’t change this situation?
•    What will my family and friends think about me if I don’t change?
•    How will my confidence be in 12 months if I do nothing to create this change?
•    How wonderful will I feel when I create this change?
•    How much will others admire my strength and courage when I achieve my goal?
•    How positive will my self-worth and confidence be when I have achieved this goal?

You can google a range of tools that can assist you to set goals, define the action steps, and measure progress, but whatever structure you use, make sure it taps your feelings.  This is the crucial (and often absent) aspect of goal setting or positive action planning that will be the difference between success and inaction.

So, if you really want to achieve the relationship you dream of with your Soulmate, follow the simple three step plan – get clear, get specific and get leverage.  Bring on the feelings and you can have what you dream of.

Heather Yelland

Heather Yelland, International speaker and personal development specialist. For more information, visit www.WellWithinme.com