Soulmate Success

Dear Rick and Jo,

I’ve been dating a divorced father of two grown children for 3 months. We would like to move forward and have sex.  We want to get to know each other better and think this would deepen our relationship. I think I’m ready. I was married for 15 years and have been divorced for 2 years. I’ve dated here and there, but only casually.

This sounds crazy, but I’m not sure how to move forward here. There’s so much more to worry about these days – AIDS, hepatitis, STDs, etc. And, I haven’t had sex since I was married. It’s a big step for me. Any thoughts about what I need to think about or do before taking the next step? I know the obvious — like birth control — but what else might I not be considering?

Trish from Toongabbie

Rick and Jo respond …

Dear Trish,

Sex and Intimacy are not the same thing.  You can have sex and not experience intimacy and you can experience intimacy and not have sex!

Men tend to use intimacy to get sex and women tend to use sex to get intimacy, so if you dive straight into a full-on sexual encounter, one or both of you could well end up being disappointed as your expectations do not get met.

If you are feeling nervous or worried about taking this next step, try asking yourself some questions:

What am I fearful about if we become sexual?
Have we discussed our goals for the relationship?
What does your gut say? Does it feel right when we’re together?

Be open and honest with him about your concerns. If you care about each other, he will be willing to discuss your questions and happy to proceed gently. It can be both exciting and smart to take your time and enjoy the dance of gradually creating intimacy and enjoying gradually escalating levels of sexual contact.

Finally, are you dating each other exclusively?  It’s perfectly fair for you to ask this man if he has been with anyone else during the last 3 months and it’s normal for people to visit a doctor together for an AIDS/STD test and explanation of possible results and their consequences for the relationship.

This is a great opportunity for you to check out his response to your concerns - a great insight into whether you two are a potential long-term proposition!

Still searching for your soulmate?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

Dear Rick and Jo,

About three months ago, I met a guy at a party I attended with my boyfriend. We ended up talking for quite a while.He’s in a relationship too, but it’s ending because she took a job in another state. We exchanged phone numbers,we’ve been emailing a lot and we both have met for breakfast and lunch several times.

I feel like I have a new best friend. He’s so easy to talk to – about everything. We haven’t been intimate and no kisses or touching either – but there’s definitely strong attraction. I haven’t told my boyfriend about any of this.  Is it wrong to have friends of the opposite sex that I keep from my boyfriend?

Julie from Georgetown

Rick and Jo respond…

Dear Julie from Georgetown,

We’ll cut straight to the chase! If your boyfriend was emailing and meeting another woman for discreet breakfasts and lunches and hiding it from you, how would you feel?
It’s time to let your boyfriend know that you have a new friend and that you intend to continue meeting him and emailing him. If that is not your intention, then you must have that conversation with your new friend.

You are not bad and wrong. You are behaving like you are because your hand is wrapped around a cookie … and you can’t get your hand out of the jar unless you let go of the cookie. By the way, once you’ve been honest with both these men, the opening to the cookie jar will expand… but at the moment you are trapped!

Julie if you are looking for your soulmate, then it sounds like you may have made the deadliest dating mistake of all and drifted into a “committed” and exclusive relationship without being confident that your boyfriend is the one.

If you are not looking for a soulmate, well you’ve still made the same mistake – what we call the mini-marriage.  You are dating exclusively and feeling guilty about normal feelings for this new man in your life. The mini-marriage is an unconscious behaviour of singles, like lambs to the slaughter, who become exclusive too soon because
that’s what’s expected and what everyone else does!

We recommend you take a small step back from both of these men. Do some work with a coach to identify what your requirements are (these are the deal-breakers, predominantly values-based elements that you must have in your soulmate relationship for it to last). When you’re clear on your requirements you’ll know if you really want a
truly committed relationship right now, and whether one, both, or neither of these men is a soulmate contender for you. You’ll also be clear on how to move forward in a way that honours all three of you.

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.