Soulmate Success

by David Steele

Below is a Dating Red Flags Checklist to help singles identify possible red flags in a prospective relationship:

I. Projecting the Future:

* _____ Would I want to spend the rest of my life with this person exactly as they are?
* _____ Would I want this person to raise my child?
* _____ Would I want my child to be exactly like this person?

II. Are You Talking Yourself Into a Relationship?

* _____ Do I want to rescue or “help” them because I see their potential?
* _____ I love the way they look or their status and it builds my self-esteem to be with them.
* _____ We have some things in common and so I’m avoiding looking at glaring differences.
* _____ They appear to be totally different than people I’ve been with in the past.
* _____  I’m focusing on one important quality (money, sex, fun, humour, etc) and ignoring unmet requirements.

III. Danger Signs

* ______ Reacts to frustration with anger, rage, blame
* ______ Blames others or circumstances for life situation
* ______ Tries to control everything, including me
* ______ Immature, impulsive, and/or irresponsible
* ______ Emotionally distant or void, aloof
* ______ Still pining for a past relationship
* ______ Wants me to make their sad life better
* ______ Married or otherwise unavailable to commit to me
* ______ Active addiction, addictive behaviour  (rationalised as “not a problem”)

IV. Other Common Red Flags

* _____ Is pessimistic and negative about things that matter to me
* _____ Lacks integrity in dealing with people, money, etc.
* _____ Judgmental attitude toward themselves & others
* _____ Unwilling to self-examine, accept feedback, take responsibility
* _____ Doesn’t keep agreements
* _____ What they say about themself doesn’t match reality
* _____ Emotional roller coaster, recurring or regular emotional drama
* _____ This isn’t what I really want, but I don’t want to be alone
* _____ Changeable, inconsistent behaviour
* _____ Inability to listen
* _____ I notice myself trying to change this person to fit what I want, instead of accepting them for who they are
* _____ Talks too much (especially about self), monopolises conversation
* _____ Overly quiet, withdrawn

Results

1. Total checked items from Section II, III, and IV _______
2. Circle the checked items that need close attention, decision-making, or require more information.
3. On a scale from 0 (Not at all) to 100 (Perfect fit) my minimum score for considering any relationship is _______
4. Using the above scale I score this potential relationship _______
5. Based upon the above results, I - should/shouldn’t (circle one) proceed dating this potential partner.

Note: If it’s clear you should not proceed with dating this potential partner and if you have any difficulty moving on, we strongly suggest showing this checklist to your best friend, close family member, therapist or coach and get the support you need to be “The Chooser.”

Source: This checklist was created by Linda Marshall and David Steele, with invaluable and much appreciated input from RCI coaches.

© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reserved.

by David Steele

Below are three frequently asked questions from singles:

Question #1: I’ve recently re-entered the dating scene and have found that a lot has changed. Please explain these “new” men I’m encountering.

There tends to be a gender difference in the way men and women approach dating. Men generally want to have fun, have sex, and try out the relationship before deciding the future. Women generally focus on the future and are more security-minded when dating.

These two polar approaches result in misunderstanding, and many women despair of finding a “commitment-minded” man, and men complain that women are too serious, focused on evaluating and “catching” them, and that dating isn’t fun.

Men and women should be clear and honest with each other about whether they are ready and looking for a committed relationship, or if they just want to have fun in a recreational relationship. If your agenda and goal for dating doesn’t match someone, then move on. Don’t be afraid to state what you are looking for- if someone rejects you, they are doing you the favour of deciding for you that there is no future together, which frees you up to find someone more aligned with you.

Question #2: Five years after my divorce I’ve decided to try my hand at dating again. How do I know if I am ready for a committed relationship?

There is more than one kind of dating. To determine what you’re ready for, ask yourself these six questions:

1. Are you clear about your vision for your life and relationship?
2. Do you know your life purpose and ALL of your requirements?
3. Are you emotionally free from your past relationships?
4. Are you successful and happy without being in a relationship?
5. Do you have enough relationship knowledge and experience to bring to a committed relationship and make it work?  (Don’t answer this one too quickly. Your current level of knowledge and experience may be weighted towards the things that did not work in your former marriage!)
6. Do you know how to take responsibility for YOU in a relationship? Can you choose and initiate what you want, and say “no” to what you don’t want in a relationship?

If the answer to any of these questions is “No,” Not yet”, “I don’t know,” or “Maybe,” you probably are NOT ready for a committed relationship and have some work and learning to do first. Recreational dating can be a great learning laboratory for preparing for a committed relationship as long as you keep your boundaries by not being exclusive with anyone. So get out there and have fun!

Question #3: I’ve been dating around for several years now without success. Should I settle for who I can get or can I really find what I want in a relationship?

Your soul mate is out there and YOU are exactly what they are seeking (who you’re looking for is looking for you!), but this can be hard to trust. The fear that you can’t find what you really want, and the resulting belief that you must settle for less than what you really want, is self-fulfilling and a leading cause of relationship failure.

When people settle for what they think they can get in their relationship choices, they don’t really let go of what they truly want.  They try to fit the round peg in the square hole and make it happen anyway, which is a set-up for failure.

You must say “no” to what you don’t want so that you can say “yes” to what you do want. If you can let go of your fear of being alone and strive to be a “successful single,” being happy without a relationship, and give yourself time and opportunity to find what you really want, you WILL be successful.

You will help your soul mate find YOU.

Still searching for your soulmate?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.