Soulmate Success

I’m being Interviewed tomorrow (Friday) at 2pm by Sue from Home Biz Chicks about Managing Your Inner Critic.

If you would like to listen in, click HERE.

On the call you will learn:

•    The origins and workings of the Inner Critic and the Inner Voice;
•    Why one will never lie to you, while the other will always mislead you;
•    How you can easily identify which one is in charge of the conversation;
•    Why habitual behaviour is a key to retraining the Inner Critic, eliminating your limiting beliefs and accelerating the Law of Attraction;
•    The 5 step process for controlling your internal conversations and your life.

If you would like to attend go to:

http://www.homebizchicks.com/public/department53.cfm

and register - you’ll also receive a free copy of the special report “How to Generate Free Publicity for Your Home Based Business” valued at $99.You’ll also receive a free subscription to the e-newsletter, Smart Biz Chicks, packed with information and advice on how to start and grow a successful home-based business.

by Rick Harrison

Earlier this week, we were feeling flat and uninspired.  We looked at what was going on, why were we “down in the dumps” and we realised that we’d lost sight of our WHY and had gotten immersed in the HOW and WHAT.

Sometimes we get bogged down in the “doing” of life and our “to do” list seems to be a never-ending list of tasks for which there is just never enough time.  What is usually “play” becomes toil.  These are the steps to restoring your mojo!!!

1.  Validate your feelings. Losing our mojo happens. It doesn’t mean we are inferior beings – it just
means we’ve lost connection with our WHY.

2.  Get in touch with your WHY again.  Why do you want a soulmate relationship? What will that mean for you and your family?  Allow yourself to feel the emotion of having a delicious relationship.

3.  Get Real. It’s easy to get resigned and settle for life how it is.  In order to change our condition, we must first acknowledge our reality. Tell the truth to yourself about where you’re at where you want to be.  Then take baby steps towards where you want to be and feel the mojo surging back into you.

4.  Have Faith and Be patient. Everyone’s future is uncertain, yet the ones who succeed are the ones who hold their faith.  The pitfall is to become impatient. When this happens, our emotions get in the way of our common sense and we can self-sabotage by not doing what we know to do. Hold strong by believing “who you’re looking for is looking for you”.

5.  Write down the beliefs, the things deep in your heart that you know to be true and which gives you support when you’ve lost your mojo and are feeling flat and uninspired.
We believe that our greatest work is still ahead of us. We know that we will always be together and our families will always love us.  We believe these things to be true and they provide a resurgence for our mojo when we feel our souls begin to grow tired and falter.

6.  Let go of Resisting what you don’t like.  Say yes to what is and let go of trying to control your life and make the most of what life throws at you.

7.  Get Involved. Get out and get involved with the people you love and people you would love to meet.  You could even volunteer in your community, or go and make a difference with a group or organization that shares your values.

8.  Focus on the positive. Be grateful - consciously look around you and appreciate the people in your life and the abundance that surrounds you. NEVER compare your self to anyone else.

Man, writing that was good for my mojo!

Where did love go? How can we keep the Love Alive?

Just about every couple we know has experienced “staleness” in their relationship after the initial excitement of attraction has faded.  They say things like “Where has the love gone?”  or “love’s just not there any more?” or “the love died”.

This quandary/conundrum is understandable.   Most relationships begin with an automatic rush of feel good hormones which last no more than three years. We expect the feeling good to continue as it began, without effort on our part. However this phase of being in a relationship requires each partner to be responsible for creating romance.

The key is to shift from love being the experience that gave the expression to love becoming the expression that creates the experience.

It’s up to each of us to generate the love and romance.  Here are the 7 secrets to expressing love that will create the experience of romance and love:

The 7 Secrets to Romance

1.    Be Conscious. Take the time each day to think about how you could express your love to your partner.  Think about how and when you feel most loved. You’ll notice that you want to be loved and cared for in different ways than your partner does.  You’ll discover that you each have different love languages!
Learn your partner’s “love language*” and use it to give your love. (Rick used to express his love for Jo with his love language of ‘doing things for her’.  He now knows that her love language is ‘words of praise and affirmation’, so he’s conscious of speaking whatever it is that he wants to express when he gets the urge to do something for her.)  Loving your partner the way they love to be loved will generate romance in your relationship!
Be affectionate, touch lovingly in ways that you know your partner enjoys. Tune into the type of touch your partner may want at the time – soothing, healing, supportive or sensual. (Always touching sexually can become repellent!)

2.    Take Time.  Your partner will appreciate the time you set aside to really be with each other, way more than spending money.  “Be with” time is not a time for venting frustrations about kids or work or finances.  It’s simply a few precious minutes each day to be in each others’ presence, maybe holding each other, maybe just looking at each other, maybe authentically saying something wonderful about the other person, maybe having a very slow long kiss.  The point is – there is no agenda other than to simply be with everything you love about your partner.   Be vulnerable, showing your sentimental and sensitive side.  Be compassionate and tender with each other.

3.    Respect.  Always display mutual respect for your partner.  When talking, listen with curiosity rather than trying to win an argument.  Listen indirectly to pick up the hidden messages your partner is expressing about unspoken wishes, dreams and interests.  Always honour your partner when speaking about them.

4.    Assume Nothing.  Beware of assuming you know your partner 100% or that you understand their needs and wants. Be curious and ask them. Neither is it a good idea to assume your partner is tuned into your every need!  Be responsible and request what you want or need from your partner.  Share your dreams, your victories, failures and fears with your partner.  Sharing your heart with another breathes life into their soul, whereas complaining sucks life.  Being a listener for your partner is a great gift (note I said listener, not advisor nor rebutter!).

5.    Play.  Find opportunities to have fun, to be happy children playing together, to flirt, to surprise.  Some of us get so caught up in our work and kids that we become driven and inflexible. Practise spontaneous acts of fun and play.  If you find it hard to be spontaneous, think of how you could surprise your partner, then get advice from their family/ friends and schedule the surprise - plan it into your day.  You’ll become more creative as time goes by.  A thoughtful surprise that expresses love and appreciation is a powerful generator of romance.

6.    Rituals. Think of events and symbols that are important to both of you.  There could be a time or event when you both experienced deep connection and love for each other. Find a way to ritualise the memory and use the ritual to honour and appreciate each other.  The simply passages of the day can also be used to create rituals, - Leaving for work, Coming home, Bedtime.  For example Leaving for Work could include creating your intentions for the day, agreeing on how and when each is to give support to the other.  Acknowledging some quality in each other and displaying affection prior to departure.  Observing rituals like these creates a unique world of partnership for your relationship which generates love and romance.

7.    Sex.   Make time for sex on a regular basis, regardless of whether you are in the mood or not!  The great thing about sex is that if you act as though you are in the mood you will most probably get in the mood!  Remember I said make time.  Take time – practise cuddling and playing rather than rushing into pursuit of the orgasm.  Try taking orgasm off the agenda for both of you one night and see what happens! Sex is an essential part of your health regime – it’s good for your mind, body and spirit.   Bring the above 6 points into play in the realm of sex.

Most couples experience stages in their relationship.  The initial stage is Attraction, the “honeymoon” phase when Mother Nature is at work causing our brains and bodies to release a brilliant cocktail of euphoric drugs designed to ensure the procreation of the species. The second stage is the Power “Dance”, when the euphoria fades, and reality sets in. We want to develop the relationship and at the same time re-take “ground” lost or given away in the Attraction stage when our partner “could do no wrong”.  Stage three is Emotional Intimacy, when the relationship has grown and developed through the Power Dance and the couple is able to relax and enjoy each other, discovering more about each other as acceptance and curiosity forge a stronger union. The final stage is Mature Love where the couple nurture and support each other and create opportunities to fall in love again and again.

The passage from Attraction through the Power Dance is often the period when relationships founder.  The most powerful way to move through the Power Dance into Emotional Intimacy is to adopt an attitude of gratitude.

A common issue during the Power Dance is taking each other for granted.  Because either partner assumes the other is still in the Attraction stage, they think that he/she will continue to fawn and pander to their every whim. Taking someone for granted is an expression of ungratefulness .  Ungratefulness is the main cause of unhappiness and scarcity in our lives, whereas gratefulness has been proven to bring a multitude of benefits (more below).

By failing to appreciate your partner’s qualities, you will attract precisely what you do not want.  Be grateful for everything you take for granted in your partner, and more.  Be grateful for everything you have been given in your life, including all your experiences of being alive. Gratitude is a powerful emotion which boosts your ability to manifest what your heart desires. The Law of Attraction is based on an important universal principle: whatever you focus on expands. It means that whatever you give your attention and emotional energy to will manifest.  As Dr John de Martini says “what you think about and thank about, you bring about”!

How do you shift from ungratefulness to gratefulness? A couple who have been married for over 67 years were recently interviewed by Jesse & Melva Johnson  and said that being Grateful for each other was the secret to a long and happy relationship!
“It is quite simple,” they said, “but to be successful you have to train your mind to look for the positive rather than the negative. This one thing above all else has had a tremendous influence both in our marriage as well as in our family.”

Regardless of how tough your current circumstances are – what a horrible day you’ve had, or how sore and sick you’ve woken up or how broke you are - the practice of expressing gratitude on a daily basis to your partner causes a Shift in your perception that yields amazing benefits.  And remember – it doesn’t actually matter whether your perception of your life is right or wrong. Our life experience is determined by where we focus our attention.

Whether you be grateful or ungrateful is a matter of choice. So, if you’re unhappy, it’s quite possible that your focus has been on the negative. If you want to create more joy and happiness in your life and between you and your partner, then you must focus on what you can be grateful for.  Create a habit or practice that reminds you of what you can be grateful for and share this with your partner.

Here is a simple practice that we have used almost every day since we became a couple (feel free to adapt this to suit you – e.g. write in a journal, send a daily email, leave a voice message etc):

Each morning and/or night share with your partner 5 things in your life that you are grateful for and make sure at least one of those things is an aspect of your partner!  (Note : It’s important to be authentic –don’t worry once you start it really is easy to find 5 things in your life  and partner to be grateful for!

If you don’t feel grateful… ask yourself, “If I was feeling grateful, what could I be grateful for?”
Then be grateful for being grateful.

Declaring our gratitude causes a state change which you feel with your whole heart and radiate from every cell….we create resonance with our hearts and a new energy becomes present between you and your partner that will take you to the stages of Emotional Intimacy and Mature Love .
The flow-on benefits are startling… as revealed by Sonja Haller in a recent article in the Arizona Republic Newspaper:

Gratitude can help your health, marriage and more

Health

• Improved immunity: Grateful people are more optimistic, and research indicates optimism boosts immunity. In one study, University of Utah researchers compared the immune systems of healthy, optimistic law students and found that, under stress, students maintained higher levels of blood cells that protect the immune system compared with their more pessimistic classmates.
• A relaxed heart and brain: Gratitude triggers oxytocin, a bonding hormone, said Rollin McCraty of the Institute of HeartMath in California. As a result, the nervous system relaxes. McCraty said gratitude also is associated with more harmonious electric activity around the heart and brain, allowing more effective operation.
• Improved fitness: Researchers had one group keep a weekly journal of things for which they were grateful, and another group tracked complaints. After nine weeks, the gratitude group experienced fewer aches and illness than the complaint group, according to a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The thankful group also slept better and spent 80 more minutes per week exercising.
• Connectedness
• More-positive marriages: Psychology Professor John Gottman at the University of Washington has found marriages thrive when couples experience at least five positive (gratitude) encounters (a surprise gift, an expression of love) for every negative encounter (a complaint, a put-down).
• The pay-it-forward factor: Robert Emmons said his studies corroborated previous research finding that habitually grateful people are helpful, kind people. They provide more compassion and sympathy than less-grateful people.

Emotions

• More optimistic: Members of the group that tracked its gratitude felt better about their lives and were more optimistic about their future, according to the study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Less materialistic: The Journal of Happiness Studies found that gratitude reduces materialistic cravings because thankful people savour their possessions longer.
• Emotionally tough: Those who remind themselves of their good fortune, Emmons found, “remain untouched by circumstances such as economic downturns or which political party is in power.”

Gratitude certainly sounds like the Elixir of Love and Life!

We acknowledge the following for providing information used to create the above article: Tania Kotsos author of Mind Your Reality, Jesse and Melva Johnson authors of Mining for Gold in Your Relationship.

By Liliane Grace

I recently read an article in which the author, Lori Gottlieb, believes that many women are too fussy in their choice of a life partner. In her opinion, they should settle for Mr Good Enough rather than holding out for a romantic fantasy. She advises her reader: “Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling ‘Bravo!’ in movie theatres. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go.” And she makes a valid point.

We’re fed such a steady diet of Hollywood romances on TV – in fact, her article draws heavily on television characters – that it’s easy to compare real people with celluloid people who’ve had powder dusted on their blemishes, whose words and actions are backed by stirring music, and who’ve had to re-state their lines until the Director is satisfied. So, yep, if you want to be happy in a relationship, you need a decent sense of reality.

But ‘settling’? Ugh! The word ‘settling’ travels with the words ‘for less’. And who wants to be viewed as ‘less’? We’ve all got bad habits. There isn’t a single perfect person on the planet. The nature of life in this 3D world is that everything comes in polarity: up/down, in/out, hot/cold, male/female… And, as philosopher, speaker and author, Dr John Demartini teaches, every human being possesses every trait, positive and negative, in one form or another. You can’t avoid some unpleasant personal characteristics – they go with the territory of being human.

But you don’t have to ‘settle for less’, with all that that infers. Settling for less drags the settler down while it demeans the ‘settlee’. Our thoughts and attitudes have a
direct bearing on our emotions and subsequently on our approach to life, so viewing your partner as ‘less’ is hardly going to enhance your relationship.

1 “Marry Him!” – Lori Gottlieb argues the case for settling for Mr Good Enough; In fact, words are terrifically important. Language is actually the thing we use to engender our experience of the world - we name and describe our experiences in words, we respond to our words with feelings, and then we act on our feelings out in the world. (There’s a clue about this in the Bible: “And the Word was made flesh…” John 1:14, King James version.)

Since language is the cornerstone of our experience, it makes sense to use it constructively. You can’t walk around saying ‘I feel awful, nothing good happens to me, things never work out for me…’ and expect to feel wonderful or create a stunning life. The thing is, if you want to have a great life, you’ve got to be conscious of what you’re saying about your life and use the words you’d like to experience. This is not just some dandy idea called ‘positive thinking’, it’s plain common sense.

For example, the word ‘can’t’ is just a cover for ‘won’t’ - after all, where there’s a will, there’s a way. ‘Try’ is equally weak – if you hear, ‘I’ll try to do better’, you know they’re stalling. On the other hand, if they say, “I’ll do better’, you hear commitment. ‘I have to get this done’ applies pressure and stress to the doer; ‘I choose to get this done’ is a centred, strong statement.

Here’s a goodie: ‘I need love’. We all need love, it’s a human pre-requisite for flourishing, but if we’ve got an ‘I need love’ refrain happening in the backs of our minds, we’re probably setting ourselves up for disaster. ‘I choose love’, ‘I desire love’ – design your own statement; just pay attention to the feeling that it creates.

So if language has such a huge bearing on attitude and experience, the way we think about our (potential) partners is paramount. To be honest, I’d hate to be married to
someone who ‘settled’ for me. And I can talk, because that experience was part of my relationship story. Was. Thank God I woke up, but way back when I had only a centimetre or two of self-esteem, my partner gave up on his dreams of the go-getter career woman and ‘settled’ for me, the big-dreams-small-results-girlfriend. And when he settled, he lost his spark; became depressed; just mooched around. Meanwhile I felt awful because I knew I didn’t inspire him. The negative connotations of settling go both ways, right? The fact is, when we don’t think we’re worth much, we ‘don’t deserve much’, so we’re unlikely to attract a really gorgeous, self-actualised mate.

Fortunately the doldrums of life are really gifts wrapped in brown paper. If you can get the deceptive wrapping off, you’ll find the gift. My partner’s lack of interest in me
bothered me and festered until I hit the wall of no return. We headed into counselling and by the end of the year the wrapping was in shreds: we had a transformed relationship and I was a new woman.

Here’s how language came into it: I changed ‘I’m sick of this’ and ‘I can’t bear this anymore’ into ‘I deserve better’. As the self-talk changed, so did the self-image and self-esteem. I coached myself into a new headspace. Instead of ‘settling’, try ‘choosing’. It gives way to a much better feeling - and a better attitude. The mindbody connection is alive and well. You simply can’t use negative language and expect to see positive results or feel fabulous.

Lori Gottlieb is right when she observes that hanging out for Mr Right (= Mr Perfect) isn’t the smartest of moves. Some years ago I wrote an article called ‘The Perfect Partner – Perfect for What?’ (Whole Person Issue #44, Sept/Oct 1995) in which I made the point that the purpose of marriage was not necessarily happiness, but growth. So while I agree with Ms Gottlieb that a flawless partner is a fallacy, I don’t believe we need to surrender our dreams. Instead of settling, try engaging with your partner until he’s the man of your dreams.

Gottlieb says “…you walk into a room and start talking to this person who is short and has an unfortunate nose, but he ‘gets’ you.” Why the emphasis on the nose? Why the ‘but’? I would have thought that finding someone who ‘gets’ you is wonderful, is what it’s all about! The whole point of relationship is to hook up with someone who values enough of the same things as you so that you are heading in the same direction.

Usually when we do, we don’t notice the nose. (Now, the nose, in fact, is an important piece in the whole picture. When we’re infatuated we only see the lovely things, and
the nose-things turn up later. If, in the early glow of love, one can notice the nose, accept the nose, and keep building relationship, that’s a great thing. On the other hand, if we’re enjoying the connection but discounting it because of the nose, well that, to me, is a pity.) Inevitably, the person who ‘get us’ will also value some things that are in direct opposition to what we find valuable – that’s where the growth comes into it. And it’s not a concept that seems to turn up in her article anywhere. What if the drab or irritating bits are there on purpose? What if they’re gifts wrapped in brown paper?

I suspect that if you sat down and made a list of all your partner’s pros and cons, you’d find heaps to appreciate (the pros) and plenty of opportunity for enormous growth! (the cons). Forget the static Mr Right idea –it’s an illusion. Forget about settling for Mr Less – that’s demeaning for both of you. Instead, consider deliberately co-creating your relationship. Tackle the unmentionable things. Dive into honesty and open communication. Take responsibility for being the person you want to have in your life. Instead of wishing he or she would change, you change.

This sort of approach is messy and uncomfortable and things don’t necessarily transform overnight, but when they do, it can be magical. I went from a stuck relationship with a depressed partner to a committed, conscious relationship with a man who is deeply in love with me. It’s not all perfect. In fact, in the midst of all that wonderment we are dealing with a fairly sizable ‘next challenge’. But hey, that’s life.

It’s about growth and development, not ‘finding’ or ‘settling’. Our potential partners are not robots sitting in factories waiting to be collected; they are living breathing human beings who deserve to be appreciated, honoured with honesty, and challenged.

Anything can be transformed. A little irritating habit or a relationship gestalt. So long as we are willing to communicate, listen, and value ourselves and the other.

Here’s a story for you about how I came to grips with one of my partner’s less attractive qualities. When I first met him he had the habit of chewing the inside of his lip when he was thinking. I found it really irritating. One day, when we were on a long drive in the country and he was chewing, I decided to do it too to see what he got out of it. So he drove and chewed and, unbeknownst to him, I chewed too.

And discovered that it made me feel thoughtful and inward and reflective. Quite a nice feeling. Funnily enough, that was enough to dissolve the charge I had on his chewing
behaviour. I never even noticed him do it again. To be honest, I don’t know if he has, and I’m talking twenty years.

Where the big issues are concerned, strap on your seatbelts for some deep conversation. Call in a counsellor to support you in hearing each other. Take risks. I chose to risk my whole relationship because my growth as a person was more important to me than keeping a stuck relationship intact, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Asking my man to be more rather than less, and upgrading my own behaviours, has been transformational.

Gottlieb is regretting not having settled. (She conceived with donor sperm.) If she had settled, she reckons, she’d have someone to share the parenting journey (and the
load). Maybe. Or she’d have someone to separate from down the track because she settled and then regretted settling.

In the ecology of relationships, diversity is queen:  some people are going to parent solo, some are going to create blended families, some are going to go for a traditional arrangement, some are going to set up gay households, some are going to leave the child-raising to grandparents, some are going to opt for a sperm donor (whether via an IVF arrangement or via settling for Mr Less in order to have babies)…

I believe we each choose the journey that offers us the most growth. Don’t settle; instead, embrace the brown paper parcels and start unwrapping.

“The biggest temptation is to settle for too little.” - Thomas Merton 1800

Liliane Grace is a Melbourne-based freelance writer and speaker, and author of The Mastery Club – See the Invisible, Hear the Silent, Do the Impossible.

www.themasteryclub.com.au

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

The Five Love Languages

Our article this week takes the form of an audio recording of Jo being interviewed by Sue Papadoulis from Home Biz Chicks.  Jo is the resident Relationships Expert for Home Biz Chicks.  To find out more about Home Biz Chicks and hear the interview, just click here and enter your details.

As a thank you for listening in, you’ll also receive a free copy of the special report “How to Generate Free Publicity for Your Home Based Business” valued at $99.

You’ll also receive a free subscription to the e-newsletter Smart Biz Chicks, packed with information and advice on how to start and grow a successful home-based business.

Once you’ve entered your details you will receive a confirmation email (this removes the risk of spamming) and then the link to the interview.

Enjoy!

Sick of kissing frogs?  Go to www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com to receive your FREE CD and video e-Course valued at $297.

By David Steele

The single most important relationship skill is not communication, it’s taking ownership.  Successful relationships require taking ownership of your “experience.”

What is Your “Experience?”

Your “experience” is what happens inside your body and your mind in response to events. It is composed of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

Your experience is involuntary, it just “happens.” It’s neither good or bad or right or wrong. Your experience is always OK and valid.

Your Thoughts

We spend a lot of time in our head listening to our thoughts. Sometimes thoughts just pop into our consciousness automatically, and sometimes we direct our thoughts with intentionality to solve a problem, express ourselves, make a decision, etc.

And some of our thoughts are judgements. A “judgement” is making a meaning or interpretation in response to an event (right / wrong, good / bad, theory, explanation, reasoning, logic, etc).

Facts vs. Judgements

You and a friend go for a walk. You say “It’s a beautiful day.”
Your friend responds “No, it sucks.”

Your reaction is to be surprised. You can’t imagine how anyone could experience such a warm, sunny day to “suck.” Your impulse might be to argue with them- “Are you kidding? Look at that clear blue sky. It’s a gorgeous day!”

This is a very small example of a huge dynamic that creates more relationship conflict than anything else you can imagine.
So let’s take a look at this. You observe the following facts:

• The sky is blue
• The temperature is 25 degrees
• You are walking in a park

Facts are typically measurable events and can be observed through a video camera. If you poll 100 people about a fact, such as “Is the sky blue?” you will typically get almost unanimous agreement that it is blue (except from the colour blind!). If you poll 100 people and ask “Is the sky pretty?” you are asking for an opinion or judgment and will typically get less than 100% agreement.

Your experience of the day is positive. You interpret the blue sky as “beautiful,” the temperature as “perfect” and “comfortable,” and your body “feels good” to get exercise by walking. These are meanings you’ve created from your experience of the facts or events.

Your friend’s experience is negative. We don’t know why yet, but there are many reasons why they might judge the day to “suck.”

You Have a Choice

In the above example, you have a critically important choice to make in your response to your difference of opinion about the day-

Option 1: Focus on the difference (e.g. “Are you crazy? Look at that blue sky and tell me it’s not a beautiful day!”

Option 2: Focus on curiosity, compassion (e.g. “What’s going on for you?”

The unconscious knee-jerk response is often to focus on the difference in our experiences and judgements. This choice discounts and argues with any point of view that doesn’t mirror ours and leads to conflict.

It requires a conscious choice to accept differences and not impose our own experience and judgements on others. To come from a place of curiosity about and compassion for a human being who we care about who thinks and feels differently from ourselves.

The Importance of Ownership

It is not someone else’s fault that you are thinking or feeling something good, bad, or indifferent. It is coming completely from inside you.

The principle of ownership can be hard to grasp when our partner provides the trigger for how we feel and react, but the fact is that while our experience is involuntary, we do have complete choice over the meanings we create and the actions we take.

Behaviour follows patterns. Nothing ever happens just once. If you don’t strive to take complete ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and judgments, you will follow a pattern of blaming others, playing victim, and your life and relationships will suffer.

How to Take Ownership- A Four Step Paradigm

I have found that the easiest way to take ownership of your experience in a relationship is to keep in mind the triad of Facts, Judgements, and Feelings-

Facts- usually a measurable event (”the sky is blue”)
Judgements- the meaning we make of the event (”the blue sky is pretty”)

Feelings- our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc)

Often times, what we human beings do, especially when we’re upset or excited, is we make judgements about something and try to make that be the fact.

“You make me so angry.”
“You’re a jerk.”
“I love you.”
“War is hell.”
“Ice cream is good.”

These are all judgements you might feel so strongly about you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.

It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience.

Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgements.

Then, our judgements stimulate our emotions- mad, sad, glad, fear, shame.

And this all happens in the blink of an eye.

We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgements, whatever they are.

If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgements and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take. This begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making sure you’re not mixing in judgements.

Step One: Review the facts

“OK, the sky is blue, we’re walking in the park together, the temperature is about 25 degrees, I just said “It’s a beautiful day” and my friend said “No, it sucks.”

Step Two: Review your judgements

“Hmm, I believe it’s a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isn’t getting it at all.”

Step Three: Identify your feelings

“I’m glad it’s such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity.”

Step Four: Make a conscious choice

Once you’ve separated the facts from your judgements and feelings you are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to react. Notice in the above example that the judgements and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgements and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone.

In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren’t “getting it.”

The Power of Taking Ownership

It is our nature to have lots of thoughts, judgements, and feelings; some that we want to identify with, and some that we don’t. It is common to confuse judgements with facts because we believe them so strongly. It is common to confuse feelings with judgements as well (e.g. “I feel like you’re so wrong about that!”). It is common to have conflicting reactions, such as “You’re a jerk” and “I love you” at the same time. While our experience is involuntary and overwhelmingly strong and real for us at times, as conscious beings we can pick and choose our truth and what we say and do about it.

Therefore, we are responsible for what we feel, think, say, and do. There are no victims in the conscious adult world. Taking ownership gives us power over our choices and destiny, and thus is the key to a successful and happy life and relationship.

“If you build it, they will come” (from the movie “Field of Dreams”).

Copyright ©2007 by David Steele. All rights reserved.
David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World. www.consciousdating.com

By David Steele

Over time, couples can easily develop routines that become ruts and it seems like romance goes out the window.

Does this sound familiar?

Partner #1: “What do you want to do?”

Partner #2: “I don’t know. What do YOU want to do?”

Then they end up doing pretty much the same thing they have done before.

Couples can also fall into “compromise ruts,” where each gives up what they really want to do in order to find something they can both agree upon. For example, in choosing movies, he might love action-adventure, she might love drama, and they might routinely compromise on comedies. After awhile, thismight get old! (True story — happened to me!)

What’s the alternative? How can couples keep their romance fresh and exciting?

Try rotating the following four ONE-WAY DATES:

TYPE 1: Partner #1creates a romantic experience for partner #2

The purpose of this date is to give a gift and please partner #2 one hundred percent. This doesn’t have to cost anything, and doesn’t even require going anywhere, as long as the time and activities are creatively focused on what would please partner #2.

TYPE 2: Switch; partner #2 creates a romantic experience for partner #1

TYPE 3: Partner #1 creates a self-centred romantic experience

The purpose of this date is for partner #1 to please themselves 100%, to have romance exactly the way they want, sharing the experience with partner #2 in the way they wish, but not worrying about partner #2’s experience at all.

TYPE 4: Switch; partner #2 creates a self-centred romantic experience

To work, this requires planning and coordination. I suggest couples plan their dates and one-way types on a calendar a year in advance. This may sacrifice the spontaneity that some prefer but often can’t sustain, for intentionality that can continue to create romantic closeness and excitement for decades to come.

I have found that trying to reach agreement on everything can hinder creativity and dilute the possibilities. Using these One-Way Dates allows for each partner to freely and creatively choose activities that would truly please themselves or their partner, without eliminating exciting choices trying to please both.

© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute- All rights reserved.

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of “The Communication Map: A One-Page Communication System for All Relationships. For
more information about The Communication Map visit http://www.thecommunicationmap.com